Discworld – Feet of Clay (Terry Pratchett)

Carriages were thickly parked outside Lady Selachii's mansion when Corporal Nobbs strolled up the drive. He knocked on the door.

A footman opened it. 'Servants' entrance,' said the footman, and made to shut the door again.

But Nobby's outstretched foot had been ready for this. 'Read these,' he said, thrusting two bits of paper at him.

The first one read:

I, after hearing evidence from a number of experts, including Mrs Slipdry the midwife, certify that the balance of probability is that the bearer of this document, C. W. St John Nobbs, is a human being.

Signed, Lord Vetinari.

The other was the letter from Dragon King of Arms.

The footman's eyes widened. 'Oh, I am terribly sorry, your lordship,' he said. He stared again at Corporal Nobbs. Nobby was clean-shaven - at least, the last time he'd shaved he'd been cleanshaven - but his face had so many minor topological features it looked like a very bad example of slash-and-burn agriculture.

'Oh, dear,' added the footman. He pulled himself together. 'The other visitors normally just have cards.'

Nobby produced a battered deck. 'I'm probably busy hobnobbing right now,' he said. 'But I'm game for a few rounds of Cripple Mr Onion afterwards, if you like.'

The footman looked him up and down. He didn't get out much. He'd heard rumours - who hadn't? -that working in the Watch was the rightful king of Ankh-Morpork. He'd have to admit that, if you wanted to hide a secret heir to the throne, you couldn't possibly hide him more carefully than under the face of C. W. St J. Nobbs.

On the other hand … the footman was something of an historian, and knew that in its long history even the throne itself had been occupied by creatures who had been hunchbacked, one-eyed, knuckle-dragging and as ugly as sin. On that basis Nobby was as royal as they came. If, technically, he wasn't hunchbacked, this was only because he was hunched front and sides, too. There might be a time, the footman thought, when it paid to hitch your wagon to a star, even if said star was a red dwarf.

'You've never been to one of these affairs before, m'lord?' he said.

'First time,' said Nobby.

'I'm sure your lordship's blood will rise to the occasion,' said the footman weakly.