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It remains for me to tell of the Day of the False King.
When the young corn had begun to sprout and the fierce chill of the nights had given way to warmth, the priests went forth out of the city to bring their god from his tomb and to cry that he had risen again. Upon this the city of Babylon was transformed into a fair ground, where there was dancing and where gaily dressed crowds poured along the streets. The mob plundered the shops, making more commotion and uproar than the soldiers had after the great inspection. Women and girls went to the temple of Ishtar to collect silver for their wedding portions, and whoever chose might enjoy them without shame. The last day of the festival was the Day of the False King.
I was by now familiar with many customs in Babylon, yet I was astonished to see the King's bodyguard before dawn on that day crowding drunkenly into Ishtar's House of Joy, breaking open the doors and striking everyone they met with the butts of their spears as they shouted at the tops of their voices:
"Where is our king hiding? Bring him forth speedily, for the sun is about to rise, and the king must dispense justice to his people!"
The din was beyond description. Lamps were lighted, and the inn servants ran about the passages in a fright, while Kaptah, believing that riots had broken out in the city, hid beneath my bed. But I went to meet the soldiers, naked under my woolen robe, having just risen from sleep, and asked them, "What is it you want? Beware how you behave to me, for I am Sinuhe the Egyptian, the Son of the Wild Ass, whose name you have certainly heard."
At this they shouted, "If you are Sinuhe, then you are he whom we seek!"
They tore off my cloak so that I stood naked; whereupon they pointed me out to each other in wonder, having never before seen a circumcised man. Then they debated together, saying, "Can we let this man go free? He is a danger to our women, who love whatever is new and strange."
But when they had had enough of mockery, they released me, saying, "Waste no more of our time but deliver to us your servant, for we must bring him to the palace with all speed, today being the Day of the False King. It is the King's will that we hasten to the palace with the man."
When Kaptah heard this, he was so terrified that he began to tremble and shake the whole bed so that they found him and, dragging him forth with jubilation, made deep obeisance before him.
They said to one another, "This is a day of great rejoicing, for at last we have found our king who had hidden himself and disappeared from our sight. Our eyes are gladdened by him, and we hope he will reward our fidelity with many gifts."
The trembling Kaptah stared at them with eyes as big as snaffle rings, and at the sight of his amazement and terror they laughed more than ever and said, "This is indeed the king of the four quarters of the world, and we know his face!"
They bowed low before him, and those who stood at his back kicked him in the seat to hurry him.
Kaptah said to me, "Truly this city--truly this whole world is full of destruction, of maniacs and malignants against whom not even the scarab seems able to protect me. I cannot tell whether I stand on my head or my heels--it may be that I am sound asleep there upon the bed and in the grip of an evil dream. Anyway, I must go with them, for they are sturdy men. But save your own life, lord, if you may. Take down my body from the wall when they have hung me up by the heels, and embalm it for safety's sake. Do not let them throw me into the river."
The soldiers howled with delight when they heard him.
"By Marduk, we could have found no better king than this; it is a marvel that his tongue is not in knots with his talking."
Dawn was now breaking, and they smote Kaptah on the back with their spear shafts to hurry him and led him away. I dressed myself rapidly and followed them to the palace, where I found all the forecourts and outer rooms full of noisy crowds. I …
